Why So Many Godly Wives Struggle With Physical & Sexual Intimacy—And What Brings Healing 

You’re not broken—and you’re not alone. Discover why this struggle is so common among women of faith, and the first step toward God’s healing.

The Sabbath candles had been extinguished. The soft, lingering scent of challah and chicken soup still hung in the air, a warm reminder of the holy space we had just shared as a family. The children were finally asleep, their quiet breaths a melody of peace. The house was still.

This was the moment. The one I’d simultaneously longed for and dreaded all day.

My husband, my beloved, reached for my hand, his touch familiar and gentle. He smiled, a tired but tender look in his eyes that said, “We made it through another week. It’s just us now.” And my heart… my heart clenched like a fist.

Instead of leaning into his affection, I felt a wall go up. A wave of exhaustion—not just physical, but soul exhaustion—washed over me. My mind began to race with a checklist of tomorrow’s tasks. A silent plea echoed within: “Please, not tonight. I just can’t.”

I forced a smile, squeezed his hand back, and found a reason to go fold laundry. As I walked away, I saw the faint shadow of disappointment cross his face, and a deep ache of guilt and failure settled in my chest. “Why is this so hard? I love him. We have a covenant marriage blessed by HaShem. What is wrong with me?”

If this scene, or any variation of it, feels hauntingly familiar, dear sister, I want you to take a deep breath. Inhale the Ruach HaKodesh (the Holy Spirit), and exhale the burden of shame. You are reading this for a reason. You are not broken. You are not a bad wife. And you are profoundly, utterly not alone.

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Understanding the Struggle: Untangling the Why

Before we can walk toward healing, we must first sit in the place of understanding. The struggle with physical and sexual intimacy for godly women is rarely about one simple thing. It is often a complex tapestry woven with many threads.

· The Exhaustion of Doing All The Things: We are keepers of the home, often juggling careers, carpool lines, homework, meal preparation, and the immense spiritual and emotional labor of building a Jewish home. By the time we have a free moment, our bodies and minds are running on empty. The very idea of being touched one more time can feel overwhelming.

· The Spiritual and Cultural Weight: As Messianic Jewish women, we carry a beautiful and weighty calling. We are daughters of the Torah, followers of Yeshua. Sometimes, without even realizing it, we can absorb a subtle message that holiness and passionate sexuality exist in separate spheres. We might subconsciously believe that being a “good” wife and mother means being nurturing and gentle, but not also a passionate, desiring woman. This is a lie that divorces God’s design from His creation.

· Past Wounds or Teachings: For some, past experiences—whether from before marriage or even misguided teachings within religious communities—have created an association between sexuality and shame, duty, or pain, rather than joy, pleasure, and sacred connection.

· The Mental Load: Intimacy begins long before the bedroom. It starts in the morning when you’re coordinating schedules, at noon when you’re managing the household, and in the evening when you’re emotionally attuned to everyone’s needs. If a woman feels more like a manager than a partner, it becomes incredibly difficult to switch gears into a mode of vulnerable, passionate connection.

Recognize any of these? This struggle is not a sign of a lack of faith. It is a human struggle happening in the context of a faith-filled life.

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God’s Glorious Design for Physical Intimacy

To heal, we must return to the blueprint. We must see intimacy not through the world’s distorted lens, but through the pure, life-giving words of our Creator.

The very first commandment in the Torah is not “be holy” or “pray,” but “be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28). God invented sexuality. He designed the nervous system that responds to touch, the hormones that stir desire, and the emotional capacity for deep bonding. He did all this and called it “very good” (Genesis 1:31).

The entire Song of Songs (Shir HaShirim) stands as a testament in our Tanakh (Old Testament) to the passionate, physical, and joyous love between a husband and wife. It is a book of yearning, of delight, of mutual pleasure. It is God’s word. He included it. This is not a minor detail; it is a central part of His design for covenant marriage.

“Let my beloved come into his garden and eat its choicest fruits” (Song of Songs 4:16).

This is an invitation! It’s a picture of mutual enjoyment and welcome. The garden is a place of beauty, fragrance, and delight—a metaphor for the sacred space of marital intimacy that is meant to be enjoyed by both husband and wife.

When we see intimacy as a holy gift from God, designed for our pleasure and our bonding, it begins to transform from a duty on our checklist to an invitation into something beautiful and life-giving.

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Encouragement from Scripture: His Word for Your Heart

Let His Word wash over the places that feel dry and weary. These verses are a balm for your soul.

From the Gospels (Brit Chadashah):

· “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)

  · Practical Application: Yeshua’s invitation is for your entire life, including your marriage. Are you laboring under the weight of expectation? Are you heavy laden with guilt? Bring it to Him. The first step toward intimate connection with your husband is often finding soul-rest in your Messiah. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Let Him fill you first.

· “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10)

  · Practical Application: Ask yourself: who is the thief in the narrative of your intimacy? Is it exhaustion? Is it shame? Is it distraction? Yeshua came to restore what the thief has stolen. An abundant life includes an abundant, thriving marriage. He desires to restore joy and connection to this area of your life.

From the Tanakh (Old Testament):

· “He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he also hears their cry and saves them.” (Psalm 145:19)

  · Practical Application: Do you desire to desire your husband? That is a holy and good desire! Bring that cry to HaShem. He hears it. You are not begging a reluctant God. You are approaching a loving Father who fulfills the desires of those who seek Him, including the desire for a renewed and passionate marriage.

· “Fear not, for you will not be ashamed; be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced... For your Maker is your husband, the LORD of hosts is his name.” (Isaiah 54:4-5)

  · Practical Application: The spirit of shame has no place in your marriage or your identity. Your primary, most secure relationship is with your Maker, your Heavenly Husband. From that place of ultimate security and acceptance, you are free to explore intimacy with your earthly husband without fear of disgrace or failure. You are already completely loved.

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Practical Steps to Build Desire: The First Step Toward Healing

Healing is a journey, not a light switch. Be gentle with yourself. Here is where to begin.

1. Start with Prayer, Not Pressure. Instead of praying, “God, make me want to have sex tonight,” try a broader, more grace-filled prayer: “God, reveal to me what is hindering connection. Show me how to see my husband through Your eyes of love. Soften my heart. Help us to find moments of joy together. Redeem this area of our marriage.” This takes the performance pressure off and invites God into the process.

2. Pursue Connection All Day Long. Desire is often built in the daylight hours. Send a flirty text. Kiss him for 10 seconds when he gets home—without it leading to anything else. Hold his hand during Havdalah. Compliment him. These micro-moments of connection build a bridge toward physical intimacy.

3. Tend to Your Own Garden (Song of Songs 4:16). You cannot invite your beloved into a garden that feels withered and neglected. What waters your soul? A quiet 15 minutes with tea and Tehillim (Psalms)? A walk alone? A conversation with a friend? Taking care of your spiritual and emotional well-being is not selfish; it is essential. It replenishes the capacity for connection.

4. Communicate with Compassion. Find a calm, non-intimate moment to talk. You could say, “I love you so much and our physical connection is important to me. I’ve been feeling really stretched thin lately, and I want us to work together on it. Can we talk about what might help?” This includes him as a partner in healing, not as a problem.

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Hope and Healing in Messiah

Dear sister, your struggle does not define you. Your covenant defines you. Your identity as a daughter of the King defines you. Your status as a bride of Messiah defines you.

Yeshua is in the business of redemption. He redeems souls, broken pasts, and weary hearts. And He can absolutely redeem the intimate space of your marriage. He can take duty and turn it into desire. He can take fatigue and turn it into fervor. He can take disconnect and turn it into deep, joyful union.

This is a journey of trust—trust that God’s design is good, trust that your husband is for you, and trust that the Ruach HaKodesh is your gentle guide and comforter through it all.

You are on a path toward healing, and the first step is simply this: reaching out, like the woman who touched the tzitzit of Yeshua’s garment, believing that just a touch of His grace is enough to make you whole (Luke 8:43-48).

He sees you. He knows your heart. And He is making all things new.

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A Invitation to Journey Together

If this post resonated with you, if it made you feel seen and offered a glimmer of hope, then my prayer has been answered. My heart is to support and encourage our Messianic Jewish community, especially our women, as we navigate the beautiful, complex calling of marriage and family.

This writing is part of a larger mission to provide faith-based resources that are honest, compassionate, and rooted in Scripture. If you’d like to support this work, there are a few meaningful ways you can partner with me:

· Pray: Pray that this ministry would continue to bring healing, hope, and restoration to marriages.

· Share: If you know another woman who needs to read these words, please share this post with discretion and love. Let her know she’s not alone.

· Encourage: Your comments and messages mean the world. Hearing your stories helps me know how to better serve this community.

· Give: If you feel led to support this work financially, your gift helps create more content, resources, and perhaps one day, retreats and counseling for Messianic couples. (This work is sustained solely by the generous support of readers like you).

But most of all, know that you are part of a community. We are in this together, learning to live out our faith in every area of our lives, trusting our Messiah to make us whole.

With grace and shalom,

Kohathite.com